"So many aspects of ministry demand excellence, and there are not enough hours in the day to be excellent in all of them. When I was a young man, I heard D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones comment that he would not go across the street to hear himself preach. (and I wrote in the margin, "Oh yeah!") Now that I am close to the age he was when I heard him, I am beginning to understand. It is rare for me to finish a sermon without feeling somewhere between slightly discouraged and moderately depressed that I have not preached with more unction, that I have not articulated these glorious truths more powerfully and with greater insight and so forth. But I cannot allow that to drive me to despair; rather, it must drive me to a greater grasp of the simple and profound truth that we preach and visit and serve under the gospel of grace, and God accepts us because of his Son. I must learn to accept myself not because of my putative successes but because of his Son. The ministry is so open-ended that one never feels that all possible work has been done, or done as well as one might like. There are always more people to visit, more studying to be done, more preparations to do. What Christians must do, what Christian leaders must do, is constantly remember that we serve our God and Maker and Redeemer under the gospel of grace. Dad's diaries show he understood this truth in theory, and sometimes he exulted in it...but quite frankly, his sense of failure sometimes blinded him to the glory of gospel freedom." (pp. 92-93)
I suppose ministry isn't the only work that one feels such inadequacy and a sense that the work is never done. That's one of the reasons I enjoyed the couple year break delivering desserts. When I finished the day I could go home and forget about it. But pastoring leaves me feeling inadequate on so many levels. That's why I need this word from Carson. Partly because it helps to realize I'm not the only one who feels this way. But mostly because I need the reminder that ultimately I am accepted, not because of any successes, but because of God's grace through Christ's sacrifice. Yes, I need to be faithful and work hard and pray and be the best pastor I can be. When I fall short, and I will, I need to allow God's grace to minister to me! Even when others see me as a failure, God sees me through His Son.
I was going to leave this post at the end of the last paragraph, but I'm still struggling with how this works. I understand that I am acceptable to God through Jesus and that will result in eternal life. I know I don't have to work to measure up in that sense. But how does God's grace make a difference when I fall and fail in life and ministry? Perhaps it is in the fact that God has knowingly chosen weak and foolish people to serve Him and He does choose to accomplish His will through us for His own glory. Does that make sense or is there still something I'm missing? Feedback welcome!
Grace and peace,
Dave
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